The person that went into the operating room on March 11th, is not the same person that came out. Guarded and innocent, I found peace in knowing that I would get better, that I would be healed, and that I could be normal again. The truth that I found? I will never be normal. I have memories that no person should ever have and I am still trying to find the person I was before any of this happened. I don’t know who I am. I am struggling with my closeness to God, and I am broken more than any ordinary person could see. The beautiful thing about this? God is patient. He sees my brokenness and he is welcoming me with open arms at the gate of heaven. I have messed up. I have yelled at God wondering why these things happen to me, and I have disobeyed him out of rage caused by my life’s problems.
I may never know why any of this happened. Sure, I can wonder and guess the reason, but for what? God’s faithfulness has remained and he has healed me with his glorious power. I have been made new. The person that went into that operating room? She died on the table, and someone else took her spot. This person is stronger, more independent, and struggling, but still holding on to that hope that God promises we can have in him. I am not normal. I will never be normal and I am okay with that. Jesus Christ? He was never normal. He was radical, and in so many ways he used his circumstance to change lives. My advice? Never search for who you used to be. God is molding you into something beautiful and you cannot be afraid to jump into his arms and run with him through anything he may take you into. Don’t be afraid of who you are. Often times I look in the mirror and wonder who I have turned in to and why God is doing this. Maybe, just maybe, He is telling me to mirror someone far more important than myself.
A Day in the Life 